Saturday, 8 January 2011

The (Stupid) Guardian Project

The NHL has had trouble gaining credibility in the United States, often failing to get recognition as one of the "Big Four" and rarely featured on national sports networks like ESPN. Even the "sport" of NASCAR has a wider audience in many places, especially in the deep south. As a result, many teams are forced to come up with gimmicks and publicity stunts in order to attract fans, including this little gem by the Atlanta Thrashers. But of all ways to try and get fans, there is a new low. The National Hockey League and Stan Lee have teamed up to create The Guardian Project, a collection of 30 superheroes, one inspired by each team. At the All-Star game, they will all be revealed as the same time and shown in their first adventure. I can't wait to see what kind of problem they come up with that takes 30 heroes to solve. Seriously, having 30 heroes solve one crime is like having 30 firetrucks show up to put out a barrel fire. Wouldn't it be easier just to call Superman? He's one guy, can only be harmed by a substance found on a planet that has already been destroyed, and won't have anyone helping him out that will get in his way.

Each day a new superhero will be revealed and each week I will look at the past seven heroes and make fun of them. Here are the first eight that have been revealed so far.

Looks suspiciously like Cyclops except this one can't shoot lasers out of his eyes. He has a set of wings that don't let him fly, yet he can maneuver through the air. How the heck is that not the same exact thing?! And the last time someone had his powers, they belonged to this guy, and he was evil. Among all of The Guardians, he is the least willing to be placed in a box so at least you know when you're in need of help, you can count on him, more than anyone else, on not being in Abu Dhabi. (that's right, a Garfield reference)

The King is apparently more celebrity than anything else. For whatever reason, his shield creates a forcefield. Seriously, why does he need both? His sword can create an earthquake (like LA doesn't get enough already) so he can crumble the city he loves in one fell swoop as he strikes down his enemy.

From what I can tell, this hero is a bit of an alcoholic and keeps somebody's brain inside of a jar. The hair seems crazy at first, but my theory is that he killed and scalped Storm, dyed the hair red, and implanted her hair on his head. Apparently it was the hair all along that allowed her, and now him, to control the weather.

Here we have a giant man-boy who all the other Guardians are supposed to look up to. That's right, the apparent leader doesn't take anything seriously and is all happy-go-lucky. Exactly what I look for in a leader. He wears enough armor that he needs six wings in order to fly and controls the element of wind which is already a power belonging to The Hurricane.

OK, they are just ripping off other comic book characters now. This is similar to Mr. Freeze (yep, this guy again)but instead of an ice cannon, just has an over-sized super soaker. He is said to be highly intelligent, yet turned down free trips around the world in order to pay for them himself. He gained his powers in an experiment that went wrong, and is now completely comprised of water. OK, he is not similar to Mr. Freeze, he is Mr. Freeze, just on a hot day.

Cut him and he bleeds rainbows. He has incredible vision that makes him only "slightly more valuable in certain situations" than the other heroes. So even when things go 100% his way, and even though he can control people with his mind, any other hero would have come out just as well, except maybe with one more black eye. He also has a titanium eagle and can see what it sees. Since eagles have such amazing vision in the first place, makes you wonder why he needs his own super vision. Good news though, he finally has the granite chin that has been lacking from other Philly based heroes.

A hero BP would be proud of, The Oiler is also the third hero already that can control the weather. I think these guys should stop fighting crime and start fighting global warming. Weighing in at nearly half a ton, he probably doesn't get to the scene of the crime too quickly, especially since he spends most of his time lost in the woods laughing at his own jokes because no one else will.

I have a hard time believing this is a hero. He (it?) spends most of his time screwing around with the other heroes and I think he should be on some sort of watch list, seeing as he spends the majority of his time making sure kids see him as good people. Probably with candy. He has a titanium tail covered in barbed wire. I don't know about you, but I do not think having someone with that thing swinging around should be fighting anywhere near me.

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