The (Stupid) Guardian Project

The NHL has had trouble gaining credibility in the United States, often failing to get recognition as one of the "Big Four" and rarely featured on national sports networks like ESPN. Even the "sport" of NASCAR has a wider audience in many places, especially in the deep south. As a result, many teams are forced to come up with gimmicks and publicity stunts in order to attract fans, including this little gem by the Atlanta Thrashers. But of all ways to try and get fans, there is a new low. The National Hockey League and Stan Lee have teamed up to create The Guardian Project, a collection of 30 superheroes, one inspired by each team. At the All-Star game, they will all be revealed as the same time and shown in their first adventure. I can't wait to see what kind of problem they come up with that takes 30 heroes to solve. Seriously, having 30 heroes solve one crime is like having 30 firetrucks show up to put out a barrel fire. Wouldn't it be easier just to call Superman? He's one guy, can only be harmed by a substance found on a planet that has already been destroyed, and won't have anyone helping him out that will get in his way.

Each day a new superhero will be revealed and each week I will look at the past seven heroes and make fun of them. Here are the first eight that have been revealed so far.



Looks suspiciously like Cyclops except this one can't shoot lasers out of his eyes. He has a set of wings that don't let him fly, yet he can maneuver through the air. How the heck is that not the same exact thing?! And the last time someone had his powers, they belonged to this guy, and he was evil. Among all of The Guardians, he is the least willing to be placed in a box so at least you know when you're in need of help, you can count on him, more than anyone else, on not being in Abu Dhabi. (that's right, a Garfield reference)

The King is apparently more celebrity than anything else. For whatever reason, his shield creates a forcefield. Seriously, why does he need both? His sword can create an earthquake (like LA doesn't get enough already) so he can crumble the city he loves in one fell swoop as he strikes down his enemy.

From what I can tell, this hero is a bit of an alcoholic and keeps somebody's brain inside of a jar. The hair seems crazy at first, but my theory is that he killed and scalped Storm, dyed the hair red, and implanted her hair on his head. Apparently it was the hair all along that allowed her, and now him, to control the weather.

Here we have a giant man-boy who all the other Guardians are supposed to look up to. That's right, the apparent leader doesn't take anything seriously and is all happy-go-lucky. Exactly what I look for in a leader. He wears enough armor that he needs six wings in order to fly and controls the element of wind which is already a power belonging to The Hurricane.

OK, they are just ripping off other comic book characters now. This is similar to Mr. Freeze (yep, this guy again)but instead of an ice cannon, just has an over-sized super soaker. He is said to be highly intelligent, yet turned down free trips around the world in order to pay for them himself. He gained his powers in an experiment that went wrong, and is now completely comprised of water. OK, he is not similar to Mr. Freeze, he is Mr. Freeze, just on a hot day.

Cut him and he bleeds rainbows. He has incredible vision that makes him only "slightly more valuable in certain situations" than the other heroes. So even when things go 100% his way, and even though he can control people with his mind, any other hero would have come out just as well, except maybe with one more black eye. He also has a titanium eagle and can see what it sees. Since eagles have such amazing vision in the first place, makes you wonder why he needs his own super vision. Good news though, he finally has the granite chin that has been lacking from other Philly based heroes.

A hero BP would be proud of, The Oiler is also the third hero already that can control the weather. I think these guys should stop fighting crime and start fighting global warming. Weighing in at nearly half a ton, he probably doesn't get to the scene of the crime too quickly, especially since he spends most of his time lost in the woods laughing at his own jokes because no one else will.

I have a hard time believing this is a hero. He (it?) spends most of his time screwing around with the other heroes and I think he should be on some sort of watch list, seeing as he spends the majority of his time making sure kids see him as good people. Probably with candy. He has a titanium tail covered in barbed wire. I don't know about you, but I do not think having someone with that thing swinging around should be fighting anywhere near me.

Offseason Recap-Northwest Division

Beginning the Western Conference, here is a look at the Northwest Division.


Vancouver Canucks - 1
Key Signings
7/1: C Manny Malhotra (SJ) 3 years
7/1: C Joel Perrault (PHO) 1 year
7/1: LW Jeff Tambellini (NYI)
7/1: D Dan Hamhuis (NAS) 6 years
7/12: G Tyler Weiman (COL)
7/12: C Alexandre Bolduc (re-signed)
7/12: LW Tanner Glass (re-signed)
7/12: D Shane O'Brien (re-signed)
7/22: R Jannik Hansen (re-signed)
7/26: LW Mason Raymond (re-signed)
8/25: LW Raffi Torres (BUF)
Trades
6/25:D Keith Ballard and RW Victor Oreskovich from FLA for RW Steve Bernier, RW Michael Grabner, and 1st round draft pick (2010)
Departures
G Andrew Raycroft (DAL)
C Pavol Demitra (KHL, Yaroslavl)
D Willie Mitchell
C Kyle Wellwood
D Brad Lukowich
What To Expect
The city that saw gold last year will be expecting silver this season.Not much has changed on the front lines. Manny Malhotra and Raffi Torres will combine to add plenty of grit. An already solid defensive core was made stronger, despite the loss of shutdown specialist Willie Mitchell. Dan Hamhuis and Keith Ballard are new in town and combine with Christian Ehrhoff, Alexander Edler, Sami Salo, and Kevin Bieksa to form a solid defensive group. The move most likely to help the Canucks however, may be Dustin Byfuglien heading to the Eastern Conference and away from Luongo's crease.

Colorado Avalanche - 7
Key Signings
7/2: D Kyle Quincy (re-signed) 2 years
7/2: LW Daniel Winnik (PHO) 2 years
7/7: LW Brandon Yip (re-signed) 2 years
Trades
6/17: LW Julian Talbot from STL for C TJ Hensick
6/26: LW Daniel Winnik from PHO for 4th round draft pick (2012)
Departures
D Brett Clark (TB)
D Brian Fahey (WAS)
G Tyler Weiman (VAN)
RW Brian Willsie (WAS)
LW Chris Durno (TB)
D Ruslan Salei (DET)
RW Marek Svatos
C Stephane Yelle
LW Darcy Tucker
What To Expect
Its up to the young players now in Colorado. If second year players Matt Duchene and Ryan O'Reilly can avoid the sophomore slump and Peter Mueller can get back to his rookie form which showed after being ntraded to Colorado from Phoenix last season, the Avalanche should be able to make the playoff two seasons in a row for the first time since the lockout. There were not many changes from the team that finished last season. Super pest Darcy Tucker and the uber-talented but ultra-frustrating Marek Svatos are gone,


Calgary Flames - 10
Key Signings
7/1: LW Alex Tanguay (TB) 1 year
7/1: C Olli Jokinen (NYR) 2 years $6 M
7/2: RW Tim Jackman (NYI) 2 years
7/2: LW Raitis Ivanans (LA) 2 years
7/17: RW Kris Chucko (re-signed)
7/18: D Matt Pelech (re-signed) 1 year
7/20: LW Brett Sutter (re-signed) 1 year
7/30: D Ian White (re-signed) 1 year
8/11: C Craig Conroy (re-signed) 1 year
Trades
6/30: C Logan MacMillan and 7th round draft pick (2013) from ANA for RW Jason Jaffray and 7th round draft pick (2013)
Departures
LW Eric Nystrom (MIN)
LW Chris Higgins (FLA)
D Brett Palin (NAS)
F Jamal Mayers (SJ)
LW Colin Stuart
LW Nigel Dawes
What To Expect
For a team that boasts one of the best forwards and goalies in the league, the Flames do not seem like a playoff team. GM Darryl Sutter brought Olli Jokinen back to Calgary after already making the right move and getting rid of him at the trade deadline last year. Alex Tanguay has had some of his best seasons in Calgary and with just a one year deal, thats not a bad signing. The defense is the same as it was at the end of last year when they tied for the fifth best goals against average. That really won't matter too much if they continue to struggle to score goals.


Minnesota Wild - 14
Key Signings
7/1: LW Guillaume Latendresse (re-signed) 2 years
7/1: C Matt Cullen (OTT)
7/1: LW Eric Nystrom (CAL) 3 years
7/2: D Drew Bagnall (LA) 1 year
7/2: C Warren Peters (DAL) 2 years
7/8: Robbie Earl (re-signed)
7/14: G Josh Harding (re-signed) 1 year
7/15: G Anton Khudobin (re-signed) 1 year
8/6: C John Madden (CHI) 1 year
Trades
6/21: RW Brad Staubitz from SJ for 5th round draft pick (2010)
Departures
LW Derek Boogaard (NYR)
D John Scott (CHI)
C Andrew Ebbett (PHO)
D Jamie Sifers (MIN)
C Andy Hilbert (NYI)
What To Expect
The new era of hockey in Minnesota didn;t really improve the team's success last season and it doesn;t look to be getting any better. Matt Cullen is a solid signing, he can flirt with 20 goals and play on the special teams, but it will not be nearly enough to help a team that finished in the bottom third in offense. Niklas Backstrom will be a workhorse once again behind a defense that didn't get any better. The State of Hockey looks to in for another long winter.


Edmonton Oilers - 15
Key Signings
7/1: D Kurtis Foster (TB) 2 years, $3.6 M
7/1: C Colin Fraser (CHI) 2 years
7/2: F Steve MacIntyre (FLA) 1 year
7/2: D Jason Strudwick (re-signed) 1 year
7/13: G Devan Dubnyk (re-signed)
7/14: LW J. F. Jacques (re-signed) 1 year
7/15: D Theo Peckham (re-signed) 1 year
7/27: C Gilbert Brule (re-signed) 2 years, $3.7 M
7/31: G Jeff Deslauriers (re-signed) 1 year
8/9: LW Liam Reddox (re-signed) 1 year
8/29: C Sam Gagner (re-signed) 2 years, $4.55 M
Trades
6/24: C Colin Fraser from CHI for 6th round draft pick (2010)
6/26: 2nd round draft pick (2010) from CAR for C Riley Nash
6/30: D Jim Vandermeer from PHO for C Patrick O-Sullivan
Departures
LW Chris Minard (DET)
LW Ethan Moreau (CLB)
RW Fernando Pisani (CHI)
What To Expect
There are benefits to being last overall as Edmonton was awarded the number one overall draft pick and the right to choose Taylor Hall. He will join a young group of forwards trying to prove themselves in the NHL. Sam Gagner and Andrew Cogliano needs to have breakout seasons and Duntin Penner must continue the upward trajectory he showed last season if they wish to improve their 27th ranked offense. Having Ales Hemsky for a full season will certainly help. Nikolai Khabibulin is healthy again as well but has his legal troubles to deal with before thinking about playing goal. Hopefully if the youth movement goes as planned, Edmonton be toiling in the basement much longer.

Sources: NHL.com Free Agent tracker, TSN.ca TradeCentre, The Hockey News Yearbook