The (Stupid) Guardian Project

The NHL has had trouble gaining credibility in the United States, often failing to get recognition as one of the "Big Four" and rarely featured on national sports networks like ESPN. Even the "sport" of NASCAR has a wider audience in many places, especially in the deep south. As a result, many teams are forced to come up with gimmicks and publicity stunts in order to attract fans, including this little gem by the Atlanta Thrashers. But of all ways to try and get fans, there is a new low. The National Hockey League and Stan Lee have teamed up to create The Guardian Project, a collection of 30 superheroes, one inspired by each team. At the All-Star game, they will all be revealed as the same time and shown in their first adventure. I can't wait to see what kind of problem they come up with that takes 30 heroes to solve. Seriously, having 30 heroes solve one crime is like having 30 firetrucks show up to put out a barrel fire. Wouldn't it be easier just to call Superman? He's one guy, can only be harmed by a substance found on a planet that has already been destroyed, and won't have anyone helping him out that will get in his way.

Each day a new superhero will be revealed and each week I will look at the past seven heroes and make fun of them. Here are the first eight that have been revealed so far.



Looks suspiciously like Cyclops except this one can't shoot lasers out of his eyes. He has a set of wings that don't let him fly, yet he can maneuver through the air. How the heck is that not the same exact thing?! And the last time someone had his powers, they belonged to this guy, and he was evil. Among all of The Guardians, he is the least willing to be placed in a box so at least you know when you're in need of help, you can count on him, more than anyone else, on not being in Abu Dhabi. (that's right, a Garfield reference)

The King is apparently more celebrity than anything else. For whatever reason, his shield creates a forcefield. Seriously, why does he need both? His sword can create an earthquake (like LA doesn't get enough already) so he can crumble the city he loves in one fell swoop as he strikes down his enemy.

From what I can tell, this hero is a bit of an alcoholic and keeps somebody's brain inside of a jar. The hair seems crazy at first, but my theory is that he killed and scalped Storm, dyed the hair red, and implanted her hair on his head. Apparently it was the hair all along that allowed her, and now him, to control the weather.

Here we have a giant man-boy who all the other Guardians are supposed to look up to. That's right, the apparent leader doesn't take anything seriously and is all happy-go-lucky. Exactly what I look for in a leader. He wears enough armor that he needs six wings in order to fly and controls the element of wind which is already a power belonging to The Hurricane.

OK, they are just ripping off other comic book characters now. This is similar to Mr. Freeze (yep, this guy again)but instead of an ice cannon, just has an over-sized super soaker. He is said to be highly intelligent, yet turned down free trips around the world in order to pay for them himself. He gained his powers in an experiment that went wrong, and is now completely comprised of water. OK, he is not similar to Mr. Freeze, he is Mr. Freeze, just on a hot day.

Cut him and he bleeds rainbows. He has incredible vision that makes him only "slightly more valuable in certain situations" than the other heroes. So even when things go 100% his way, and even though he can control people with his mind, any other hero would have come out just as well, except maybe with one more black eye. He also has a titanium eagle and can see what it sees. Since eagles have such amazing vision in the first place, makes you wonder why he needs his own super vision. Good news though, he finally has the granite chin that has been lacking from other Philly based heroes.

A hero BP would be proud of, The Oiler is also the third hero already that can control the weather. I think these guys should stop fighting crime and start fighting global warming. Weighing in at nearly half a ton, he probably doesn't get to the scene of the crime too quickly, especially since he spends most of his time lost in the woods laughing at his own jokes because no one else will.

I have a hard time believing this is a hero. He (it?) spends most of his time screwing around with the other heroes and I think he should be on some sort of watch list, seeing as he spends the majority of his time making sure kids see him as good people. Probably with candy. He has a titanium tail covered in barbed wire. I don't know about you, but I do not think having someone with that thing swinging around should be fighting anywhere near me.

Offseason Recap-Southeast Division

Finishing up the Eastern Conference, here is a look at the Southeast Division. Expect a few teams other than the Capitals to make the playoff from the Southeast this season.


Washington Capitals - 1
Key Signings
7/2: G Dany Sabourin (BOS) 1 year
7/7: D Jeff Schultz (re-signed) 4 years
7/7: LW Kyle Greentree (CHI) 2 years
7/8: RW Eric Fehr (re-signed) 2 years
7/14: RW Brian Willsie (COL) 1 year
7/15: RW Andrew Gordon (re-signed) 1 year
7/15: D Patrick McNeill (re-signed) 1 year
7/27: LW Tomas Fleischmann (re-signed)
Trades
7/28: F D.J. King from STL for F Stefan Della Rouvere
Departures
D Milan Jurcina (NYI)
D Joe Corvo (CAR)
D Shaone Morrison (BUF)
C Brendan Morrison
G Jose Theodore
RW Scott Walker
C Eric Belanger
What To Expect
Not many changes were made this summer in Washington, a team that should once again take advantage of a weak division to help them finish on top of the conference. The Capitals have a great cast of support players to complement the likes of Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Nicklas Backstrom, and Mike Green and GM George McPhee spent the summer re-signing them. Major changes have all come in the form of subtractions, most notably veteran goalie Jose Theodore which will leave to door open for youngsters Semyon Varlamov and Michal Neuvirth to fight for the starting job. There really isn't much left to prove in the regular season, as the Capitals really need to focus all their attention to April and beyond.


Tampa Bay Lightning - 7
Key Signings
7/1: G Dan Ellis (NAS) 2 years
7/2: D Pavel Kubina (ATL) 2 years
7/5: D Brett Clark (COL) 2 years
7/6: RW Teddy Purcell (re-signed) 1 year
7/6: D Mike Lundin (re-signed) 1 year
7/15: C Blair Jones (re-signed)
7/16: C Paul Szczechura (re-signed) 1 year
7/16: C Nate Thompson (re-signed) 1 year
7/25: LW Chris Durno (COL) 1 year
7/29: D Mathieu Roy (CLB) 1 year
7/30: C Dominic Moore (MON) 2 years
8/11: LW Juraj Simek (re-signed) 1 year
8/17: LW Sean Bergenheim (NYI) 1 year
8/25: RW Steve Downie (re-signed) 2 years
8/25: D Randy Jones (LA) 1 year
Trades
7/1: 2nd round draft pick (2012) from PHI for D Andrej Meszaros
7/19: LW Simon Gagne from PHI for D Matt Walker and 4th round draft pick (2011)
8/16: G Cedrick Desjardins from MON for G Karri Ramo
8/27: F Alex Berry and F Stefano Giliati from TOR for D Matt Lashoff
Departures
LW Alex Tanguay (CAL)
G Antero Niittymaki (SJ)
D Kurtis Foster (EDM)
F Zenon Konopka (NYI)
D David Hale (OTT)
What To Expect
Rookie GM Steve Yzerman has had quite a summer in his first time away from Detroit. Stability in the front office combined with some key new faces should go a long way towards bringing Tampa Bay back into the playoff picture. The addition of Simon Gagne came relatively risk free, acquired for Matt Walker and with one year left on his contract. Should he stay healthy the Lightning will have two solid scoring lines. Dan Ellis will challenge Mike Smith for the starting job; the two former Stars should push each other and provide the team with solid goaltending. On defense Andrej Meszaros and Kurtis Foster are gone, replaced by Pavel Kubina, a member of their 2004 Stanley Cup team, and Brett Clark.


Carolina Hurricanes - 8
Key Signings
7/1: LW Jonathan Matsumoto (PHI) 2 years, two way, $1.025 M/$210,000
7/5: G Justin Peters (re-signed) 2 years, two way, $1.05 M/$210,000
7/7: D Joe Corvo (WAS) 2 years, $4.5 M
7/7: D Casey Borer (re-signed) 1 year, two way, $500,000/$65,000
7/12: C Nick Dodge (re-signed) 1 year, two way, $500,000/$55,000
7/15: D Bryan Rodney (re-signed) 1 year, two way, $525,000/$105,000
7/20: D Brett Carson (re-signed) 1 year, two way, $500,000/$105,000
Trades
5/13: RW Jared Staal from PHO for 5th round draft pick (2010)
6/26: C Riley Nash from EDM for 2nd round draft pick (2010)
6/26: D Bobby Sanguinetti from NYR for 6th round draft pick (2010) and 2nd round draft pick (2011)
6/26: C Jonathan Matsumoto from PHI for 7th round draft pick (2010)
Departures
LW Ray Whitney (PHO)
C Rod Brind'Amour
G Manny Legace
D Brian Pothier
What To Expect
The Hurricanes are going to benefit, more than anything else this season, from a healthy lineup. Injuries and a slow start (that's putting it lightly) were what caused Carolina to miss the playoffs last season. Heart and soul leader Rod Brind'Amour has retired and offensive linchpin Ray Whitney moved on to Phoenix making this 100% Eric Staal's team. Joe Corvo is back with the team after being traded to Washington during last season's trade deadline.


Atlanta Thrashers - 12
Key Signings
7/1: G Chris Mason (STL)
7/7: LW Eric Boullton (re-signed)
7/22: G Ondrej Pavelec (re-signed) 2 years
7/28: LW Ben Eager (CHI)
7/29: LW Andrew Ladd (CHI) 1 year, $2.35 M
8/19: D Freddy Meyer (NYI) 1 year
8/23: RW Bryan Little (re-signed)
Trades
6/23: LW Dustin Byfuglien, D Brent Sopel, LW Ben Eager, and RW Akim Aliu from CHI for 24th overall draft pick (2010), 2nd round draft pick (2010), C Marty Reasoner, LW Jeremy Morin, and RW Joey Crabb
6/24: Future Considerations from SJ for D Mike Vernace, LW Brett Sterling, and 7th round draft pick (2010)
7/1: Andrew Ladd from CHI for D Ivan Vishnevsky and 2nd round draft pick (2011)
8/2: F Patrick Rissmiller and LW Donald Brashear from NYR for C Todd White
Departures
RW Colby Armstrong (TOR)
G Johan Hedberg (NJ)
D Pavel Kubina (TB)
LW Vyacheslav Kozlov
LW Clarke MacArthur (TOR)
What To Expect
Many GMs try to take the style of the former Stanley Cup winner, Atlanta GM Rick Dudley just takes the players from them. Four players from the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks are now members of the Thrashers. Defenseman Brent Sopel will take a spot in place of Pavel Kubina who bolted back to Tampa Bay. Dustin Byfuglien, Andrew Ladd, and Ben Eager combine to add depth throughout the forward lines. The signing of Chris Mason and the re-signing of Ondrej Pavelec should give the Thrashers stable goaltending, an upgrade over the injury plagued Kari Lehtonen who was traded to Dallas last season.


Florida Panthers - 14
Key Signings
7/2: Chris Higgins (CAL) 1 year
7/7: D Jason Garrison (re-signed) 2 years
7/7: D Nathan Paetsch (CLB) 1 year
8/3: D Mike Weaver (STL) 2 years
8/19: LW Andrew Peters (NJ) 1 year
Trades
6/22: D Dennis Wideman, 15th overall draft pick (2010), and 3rd round draft pick (2011) from BOS for RW Nathan Horton and C Gregory Campbell
6/25: RW Steve Bernier, RW Michael Grabner, and 1st round draft pick (2010) from VAN for D Keith Ballard and RW Victor Oreskovich
7/22: C Marty Reasoner from CHI for F Jeff Taffe
Departures
None
What To Expect
For a team that didn't lose anyone without a return, the Panthers did not get any better this season. Dennis Wideman replaces Keith Ballard and Chris Higgins replaces Nathan Horton, but otherwise the team remains largely the same. They will benefit from having David Booth on the ice, provided he keeps his head up when Mike Richards is around. Tomas Vokoun return as starting goalie, but he can only do so much. The rebuild continues.

Sources: NHL.com Free Agent Tracker, TSN.ca Trade Center, The Hockey News Yearbook