The (Stupid) Guardian Project

The NHL has had trouble gaining credibility in the United States, often failing to get recognition as one of the "Big Four" and rarely featured on national sports networks like ESPN. Even the "sport" of NASCAR has a wider audience in many places, especially in the deep south. As a result, many teams are forced to come up with gimmicks and publicity stunts in order to attract fans, including this little gem by the Atlanta Thrashers. But of all ways to try and get fans, there is a new low. The National Hockey League and Stan Lee have teamed up to create The Guardian Project, a collection of 30 superheroes, one inspired by each team. At the All-Star game, they will all be revealed as the same time and shown in their first adventure. I can't wait to see what kind of problem they come up with that takes 30 heroes to solve. Seriously, having 30 heroes solve one crime is like having 30 firetrucks show up to put out a barrel fire. Wouldn't it be easier just to call Superman? He's one guy, can only be harmed by a substance found on a planet that has already been destroyed, and won't have anyone helping him out that will get in his way.

Each day a new superhero will be revealed and each week I will look at the past seven heroes and make fun of them. Here are the first eight that have been revealed so far.



Looks suspiciously like Cyclops except this one can't shoot lasers out of his eyes. He has a set of wings that don't let him fly, yet he can maneuver through the air. How the heck is that not the same exact thing?! And the last time someone had his powers, they belonged to this guy, and he was evil. Among all of The Guardians, he is the least willing to be placed in a box so at least you know when you're in need of help, you can count on him, more than anyone else, on not being in Abu Dhabi. (that's right, a Garfield reference)

The King is apparently more celebrity than anything else. For whatever reason, his shield creates a forcefield. Seriously, why does he need both? His sword can create an earthquake (like LA doesn't get enough already) so he can crumble the city he loves in one fell swoop as he strikes down his enemy.

From what I can tell, this hero is a bit of an alcoholic and keeps somebody's brain inside of a jar. The hair seems crazy at first, but my theory is that he killed and scalped Storm, dyed the hair red, and implanted her hair on his head. Apparently it was the hair all along that allowed her, and now him, to control the weather.

Here we have a giant man-boy who all the other Guardians are supposed to look up to. That's right, the apparent leader doesn't take anything seriously and is all happy-go-lucky. Exactly what I look for in a leader. He wears enough armor that he needs six wings in order to fly and controls the element of wind which is already a power belonging to The Hurricane.

OK, they are just ripping off other comic book characters now. This is similar to Mr. Freeze (yep, this guy again)but instead of an ice cannon, just has an over-sized super soaker. He is said to be highly intelligent, yet turned down free trips around the world in order to pay for them himself. He gained his powers in an experiment that went wrong, and is now completely comprised of water. OK, he is not similar to Mr. Freeze, he is Mr. Freeze, just on a hot day.

Cut him and he bleeds rainbows. He has incredible vision that makes him only "slightly more valuable in certain situations" than the other heroes. So even when things go 100% his way, and even though he can control people with his mind, any other hero would have come out just as well, except maybe with one more black eye. He also has a titanium eagle and can see what it sees. Since eagles have such amazing vision in the first place, makes you wonder why he needs his own super vision. Good news though, he finally has the granite chin that has been lacking from other Philly based heroes.

A hero BP would be proud of, The Oiler is also the third hero already that can control the weather. I think these guys should stop fighting crime and start fighting global warming. Weighing in at nearly half a ton, he probably doesn't get to the scene of the crime too quickly, especially since he spends most of his time lost in the woods laughing at his own jokes because no one else will.

I have a hard time believing this is a hero. He (it?) spends most of his time screwing around with the other heroes and I think he should be on some sort of watch list, seeing as he spends the majority of his time making sure kids see him as good people. Probably with candy. He has a titanium tail covered in barbed wire. I don't know about you, but I do not think having someone with that thing swinging around should be fighting anywhere near me.

Offseason Recap-Pacific Division

The Sharks will continue to be the top team in the division. At least in the regular season.


San Jose Sharks - 3
Key Signings
7/1: G Antero Niittymaki (TB) 2 years
7/31: RW Devin Setoguchi (re-signed) 1 year
8/4: RW Jamal Mayers (CAL)
9/2:  Antti Niemi (CHI) 1 year, $2 M
Trades
6/21: 5th round draft pick (2010) from MIN for RW Brad Staubitz
6/24: D Mike Vernace, LW Brett Sterling, and 7th round draft pick (2010) from ATL for future considerations
Departures
G Evgeni Nabokov (KHL, SKA St. Petersburg)
D Rob Blake (retired)
C Manny Malhotra (VAN)
RW Jed Ortmeyer
What To Expect
Former captain Patrick Marleau and goaltender Evgeni Nabokov have taken the most amount of heat for the Sharks' playoff failures in the past. GM Doug Wilson opted to keep Marleau after a career high 44 goals last season and let Nabokov head back to Russia. HOwever, with the signings of Antero Niittymaki and Antti Niemi should give the Sharks solid goatending. Niittymaki plays better when the crease is being shared and Niemi brings his Stanley Cup winning experience to California. The Sharks did lose a few key players from last season, captain Rob Blake retired and faceoff ace Manny Malhotra headed to Vancouver. This is still a deep lineup and shouldn't slip too far from last season.


Los Angeles Kings - 5
Key Signings
7/17: C Brad Richardson (re-signed) 1 year
7/18: C Marc-Andre Cliche (re-signed) 1 year
7/18: C Trevor Lewis (re-signed) 1 year
7/18: LW Richard Clune (re-signed) 1 year
7/27: LW Alexei Ponikarovsky (PIT) 1 year
Trades
None
Departures
D Sean O'Donnell (PHI)
RW Raitis Ivanans (CAL)
LW Alexander Frolov (NYR)
D Randy Jones (TB)
LW Fredrik Modin
C Jeff Halpern
What To Expect
Other than Alexander Frolov and Sean O'Donnell, the Kings did not lose any significant players from last season. Alexei Ponikarovsky replaces Frolov and while his peak may not be as high, Ponikarovsky offers a much more consistent game. Jonathan Bernier is ready to step into the NHL full time and will challenge Jonathan Quick who set a franchise record for wins with 39 for the starting job. Drew Doughty appears to be ready to own the Norris Trophy for the foreseeable future.


Phoenix Coyotes - 6
Key Signings
7/1: D Derrek Morris (re-signed) 4 years, $11 M
7/1: LW Ray Whitney (CAR) 2 years, $6 M
7/2: C Andrew Ebbett (MIN)
7/26: LW Alexandre Picard (re-signed) 1 year
8/30: RW Lee Stempniak (re-signed) 2 years, $3.8 M
Trades
5/13: 5th round draft pick (2010) from CAR for RW Jared Staal
6/26: 4th round draft pick (2012) from COL for LW Daniel Winnik
6/30: C Patrick O'Sullivan from EDM for D Jim Vandermeer
Departures
D Zbynek Michalek (PIT)
C Joel Perrault (VAN)
LW Stefan Meyer (CAL)
RW Francis Lessard (OTT)
What To Expect
The man they called The Wizard in Carolina is in the desert and Ray Whitney should help improve the 24th ranked offense from last season. His was the only major addition to a team that will once again be scoring by committee. They lost shutdown specialist Zbynek Michalek to Pittsburgh but Vezina finalist Ilya Bryzgalov should be able to keep the damage minimal.


Anaheim Ducks - 9
Key Signings
7/1:D Toni Lydman (BUF) 3 years, $9 M
7/1: C Saku Koivu (re-signed) 2 years, $5 M
7/21: D Danny Syvret (PHI) 1 year
8/2: D Andy Sutton (OTT) 2 years
8/9: RW Teemu Selanne (re-signed) 1 year, $3.25 M
Trades
6/26: 5th round draft pick (2010) from TOR for RW Mike Brown
6/30: RW Jason Jaffray and 7th round draft pick (2013) from CAL for C Logan Man Millan and 7th round draft pick (2013)
7/9: LW Aaron Voros and LW Ryan Hillier from NYR for D Steve Eminger
7/19: LW Thomas Zuborsky from NYR for D Matt McCue
7/30: 3rd round draft pick (2011) from NYI for D James Wisniewski
Departures
D Scott Niedermayer (retired)
G Joey MacDonald (DET)
What To Expect
Defense used to be the power of Anaheim, now a team that was once led by Scott Niedermayer, Chris Pronger, and Francois Beauchemin is now headed by Lubomir Visnovsky, James Wisniewski, and Toni Lydman. Jonas Hiller's job this year may be slightly more difficult than it was for Giguere the past few years. Not much has changed up front as the Ducks may struggle to score after their first line of Bobby Ryan, Ryan Getzlaf, and Corey Perry.


Dallas Stars - 13
Key Signings
7/1: RW Adam Burish (CHI) 2 years, $2.3 M
7/1: G Andrew Raycroft (VAN) 2 years
7/12: C Aaron Gagnon (re-signed) 1 year
7/16: D Brad Lukowich (VAN) 1 year
7/16: D Maxime Fortunus (re-signed) 1 year
7/16: RW Raymond Sawada (re-signed) 1 year
7/23: LW Fabian Brunnstrom (re-signed) 1 year, $675,000
8/26: Nicklas Grossman (re-signed) 2 years, $3.25 M
Trades
None
Departures
C Mike Modano (DET)
G Marty Turco (CHI)
What To Expect
The face of the franchise for 20 seasons, Mike Modano, was let go and headed home to Detroit. With goalie Marty gone as well, the team's chances lie in the hands of oft-injured Kari Lehtonen. GM Joe Nieuwendyk will have a tough time putting a good team together, especially under the tight budget he must adhere to. Whether or not they have a one line attack depends largely on the play of Mike Ribeiro, but even if he has a good season, expect this team to miss the playoffs again while it refinds its identity.

Sources: NHL.com Free Agent Tracker, TSN.ca TradeCentre, The Hockey News Yearbook